Friends

yupkendal

09:29 pm

Actually, scrap that
I don't want to be held. I want to lose weight, be around 56 kg. I want him to be attracted to me, but feel way too scared to act on his feelings. Talk, agree loudly and break that touch barrier. Get drunk, make out, never regret it. Friends with benefits. Call her up sometime, we should really do this again.

yupkendal

07:20 pm

Dad has been here since yesterday evening I think. I feel like my house is too crowded - what, with him and also my sister's friend. I want to clean out my head. It is so ridiculously awkward with him...it's like I don't even know him. Talking to him or being around him feels like I'm around a friend's parent...he's not my father anymore. He got really drunk too which didn't really help things, and he just kept trying to act like my best friend.

I feel like every relationship I will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have with a male will be fucked up. He's set me up for failure. Thank-you. It's like I want to talk to guys, I want to talk to AH but something inside me holds tight to my throat, tongue, teeth. Don't fucking open your mouth, bitch. You slut. Whore. Anything you fucking say will ruin it, he'll walk away I swear to god. Just laugh and smile and you're fine - talking is too much of a risk. But really, it isn't. It's not enough. I have a fucking personality but it all dies whenever I'm in a group, or someone I'm not too familiar with. It's this ridiculously complicated family. It's this ridiculously low self-esteem. It's the fact that I hate myself. Pure hatred - and I take pleasure in punishing myself; I enjoyed thoroughly the pain from piercing my upper ear cartilage. In my mind, and I'm so sorry this sounds fucked beyond belief, but a voice kept saying, 'This is what you get bitch. This is what you get for liking AH. You fucking whore, he's way too good for you. How could you even THINK for a fucking MILLISECOND that he would consider you? The only reason he talks to you is because your MUM is around. He's in your fucking house you idiot. Of course he's going to be polite. Feel the searing pain, because god knows you deserve every moment of it.'



I feel like nothing will ever be normal. Sometimes I fantasise about being someone different. Like S. This whole business seems like second nature to her, guys fall at her feet. I don't want a relationship. I don't want to go out on phony movie dates. I want him to just hold me for a bit so that I can play back the memory and know that for just a second maybe, I was wanted.

yupkendal

06:43 pm

And of course, my friends and I are going to Blueys. Trust

yupkendal

11:34 pm

Oh half an hour until Christmas. I went to Bondi Junction today w/ Steph and Kate, did Kate's shopping and then drove all the way to Warringah Mall to get our ears pierced because they wouldn't do them anywhere in Bondi unless we were 18/had parents with us. So I got my earlobes re-pierced and my upper left ear cartilage :) I would post photos but I'm too tired..
Someone just added the cutest fucking photo of Tristan.

yupkendal

08:23 pm

My hairdresser is a Jehovah's Witness
I've had 4 diet cokes today
I have 5 years of saved MSN conversations
I haven't really changed clothes in about 3 days
It is Christmas time, but nobody's home. And I don't really want to talk to them

yupkendal

07:51 pm

Looking through my wall photos, one was taken in March. The other was taken Monday night/Tuesday morning
My arms look a lot thinner -- so going from 62 ish kg to 59.5/60 kg actually makes me look different. I thought you had to lose at least 5 for it to be noticeable. And also my shorts all fit me. And I can't physically eat as much as before.

But there's still one problem

yupkendal

12:03 am

He commented on my profile photo

ahah
and now all I can do is punish myself. Pinch, cut, hit, kick, abuse
PLEASE COME BACK

yupkendal

11:44 pm

I purged
It burned like a bitch coming back up again


And yet I go back for more. I changed my status, wow I'm cool. "sometimes i don't answer the phone on purpose. You deserve to be lonely; you could have had us." I guess it is the complete truth though. That's really all I can give people. I just need to quit

yupkendal

10:33 pm

Like mother like daughter. We're both drunk, but neither can admit. Neither accept
Drown it out, act blind. Just hope, I guess


Ps. I still love you

yupkendal

07:52 pm

yupkendal

07:49 pm

Dear you,
You got with AC, PS, SL, attempted AG, probably would've gone for GC. I suppose there are numerous others I'm unaware of. You bring a year 10 to your formal. You ask S if she likes you. Do you not see me at all? The one from kindergarten. The one you took your selective schools test with. The one your sister taught piano to next to your bedroom. The one whose house you visit twice weekly. The one you've known since you were 4. The one you handed sunflowers to on her 16th birthday. The one who can't fucking find the words when you talk to her. The one who can only grin like a fucking moron and struggles with small talk. The one who tries so, so hard and hurts so much. Our repetitive conversations go in circles, these words aren't meant for anyone.

yupkendal

06:48 pm

You will never know I went with my mum grocery shopping this afternoon, just so that I could see you. 'Hey, Bella.' I melt. I can't even remember my own name, all I see is your grin and hear you. Punch, stab, groan, kick, choke, slap, grope, hold, cuss, feel, pinch, abuse. Just don't ignore me. I need you

yupkendal

02:33 am

drunk



I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU


that took a year. Fuck, please. Please
Come here, baby

yupkendal

02:51 pm

1 mango
mini apple pastry
1 fibre cookie

i might have a boiled egg later because I'm going to be drinking...
either way I'm hungry right now so that's a good sign

SHRINK SHRINK SHRINK

yupkendal

04:56 am

ho hum

yupkendal

04:00 am

DONE!


haha fuck that took like three hours. woops. I'm not tired yet......................

yupkendal

12:44 am

Going to write my essay now.


I was trying to sleep, my dog came in woke me up, I assumed he needed to go outside. Wait outside for 10 minutes, teenagers screaming outside, come back in, see he peed all over the bathroom floor, clean that up. I'm wide awake so why not.

yupkendal

11:41 pm

Parents and sister and brother are going away December 26th. Sister returns the 27th I think, parents/brother stay on for 1-2 more nights. House party :)
Please, just fucking happen.

yupkendal

05:18 pm

5:15 pm

1 apple
1 coffee (154)





and I was walking for around 3 hours, bought the nicest dress, a black AA tri-blend singlet and a navy AA racerback tank. Babysitting in two hours, I might eat something small before I go. C'est bien. Vraiment trop bien

yupkendal

09:53 am

60.4 today


NOT GOOD!
Yesterday was 59.8 or 59.7. How do I manage to gain almost a kilo. I can think of reasons why, but I don't want to wallow in self pity today.
So, so, so. Today is one meal of non-produce. Everything else is just fruits and vegies and 1-2 iceblocks.

Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Mango, nectarine, carrot sticks, iceblock
Swim for 1 hour, walk home from pool (my knee isn't hurting as much but I really do not want to risk running right now)
Dinner: Can be non-produce, but small portion! No chocolate, milk, butter, cheese, bread


I sit and watch the screen for a message
Some kinda sign that says we're OK
But the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off
And wait for my conscience to break.